this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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