she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
