nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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