I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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