First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
