So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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