the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
