i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
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