I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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