Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
