So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
