There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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