apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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