Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
