he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
