OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Randomize