his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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