No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
In America we eat man semen.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
