so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
