Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
