I wish my penis had an off switch
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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