so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
where are my eyebrows?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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