YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
