The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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