I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize