theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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