Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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