he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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