I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
