Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Randomize
