i may or may not be watching the land before time
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize