i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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