You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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