just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
