1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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