Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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