She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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