Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
