So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
