Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
