I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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