My underwear smells like fireworks.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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