if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
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