I accidentally had phone sex last night
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
