So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
