I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Randomize
