maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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