I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize