yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Randomize
