My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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