Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize