eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
