Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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