update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Randomize
