Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
