Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
