I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
