just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
